The Giving Season

I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it

The older I’ve gotten, the more I’ve become – cringe alert! – intentional about my shopping.

I’ve read that you spend the first half of your life acquiring things, and the second half getting rid of them, and that, when buying clothing, you should never add something to your closet without removing something at the same time, and those ideas have become one of my Roman empires. I think about them all the time.

I can also tell you that, once you’ve had a parent die and had to go through the process of cleaning out a closet, a basement, a house or a storage unit, sifting through the bags and boxes and bundles and twelve activity-specific pairs of New Balance sneakers (miss you, Fran!) you tend to think, a lot, about what that process will be like for your own children.

All of which is to say that, when I’m buying gifts, I try to give experiences, not physical things. I won’t buy fast fashion hauls for my teenager, but I will happily drop a few hundred dollars on Broadway tickets and a hotel room for Chanukah. I won’t spend hundreds of dollars on ties or shoes my husband won’t wear. I will, instead, spend that money on opera tickets, and tell myself I’m buying memories.

I’m also a fan of used-it-up gifts – something delicious to eat, a scented candle, fancier soap or body lotion than you’d buy for yourself.

But I recognize that, sometimes, you need a thing. Whether it’s an elevated basic to make day-to-day life more enjoyable – pretty cereal dishes, colorful drinking glasses – or something durable and classic or fun to wear, there are still covetable, crave-able items on my list, things that I’m happy to give and happy to get.

Farmacia di Santa Maria Novello potpourri: I found out about this place in the Hannibal Lecter books – in Hannibal, it’s described as “one of the best-smelling places on Earth,” and it’s where Dr. Lecter goes to buy Clarice a fancy gift basket full of scented soaps and lotions – and, a few years ago, when my husband and I went to Florence, I made a visit, and bought scented sachets and wax discs that kept my drawers and closets smelling delicious for months. Buying scents you haven’t smelled is a bit of a gamble, but I am betting that this potpourri, in this pretty terracotta vessel, will be delicious.

Running Socks: I wish that I couldn’t tell the difference between a two-hundred-dollar pair of carbon-insert running shoes and a thirty-dollar pair from TJ Maxx – but I can. I wish I couldn’t distinguish between a free-with-your-race-fee cotton tee shirt and a pricy sweat-wicking number that set you back the cost of several races – but I can. And don’t get me started on the running bras, and the money I’ve spent on them over the years. Whoever said that running was an inexpensive sport is a lying liar who lies. Luckily, running socks are one of the less-expensive things you can buy, and they deliver a solid bang for the buck. I like these, from Darn Tough, and these, from Feetures.

Capybara lamp: If you, like me, would rather sit in the dark than turn on the “big lights” -- the overhead recessed-into-the-ceiling can lights that flatter nothing and no one, then you need a lot of accessory lighting. You’ve got floor lamps, table lamps, task lamps and sconces. So why not get this adorably squishy dude?

Scented soap: I love the smell of nutmeg, so when I found this clove-nutmeg goat-milk soap on Amazon, and discovered that it smells almost exactly like freshly-grated nutmeg, I put it on autobuy. If you like pumpkin pie, pumpkin-spice lattes and all things fall, you might like this, too.

A Plain Old Sweater: Every year, around his birthday or the holidays, I will ask my husband what he needs and he will shrug and say, “A sweater, I guess.” I will ask what happened to the last sweater I bought him. He will shrug. I will ask myself if this is a battle I really want to pursue and, when I’ve decided that it is not, I will go to Lands End and order something like this fine gauge cashmere quarter-zip. Uniqulo, Nordstrom and Quince all have versions. Other stores do, too. It’s a plain old sweater, and it should last at least a year. What else do you want?

Posters: My younger daughter Phoebe’s favorite movie is “The Social Network,” and her favorite band is The Talking Heads, and her favorite thing is posters. Her bedroom is covered in posters, from the floor to the ceiling. Not an inch of that cute butterfly wallpaper we installed when she was eight is even visible, and her wall is pocked with more tiny holes than a hedgehog’s beach blanket. The good news? Shopping for Phoebe is very easy, and there are funny, interesting, funky or abstract posters available for just about everything. She’s getting this one and this one, both from Printerval, and this one, from Redbubble.

Felt Wall Tiles: When my older daughter Lucy moved into her off-campus apartment, I found her a bed on Facebook Marketplace. It was wood. It was low. It was perfectly functional. It….did not have a headboard. And Lucy was meh on the idea of buying one (translation: “You need a headboard.” “I do not need a headboard.” ….“Can I buy you a headboard?” “MOM. Please do not buy me a headboard.”) Enter these cute padded tile things! They are basically large stickers that you affix to the wall, and, voila, instant headboard…or padding behind your couch, or beside your kitchen table! You decide which colors and shapes you want and how wide and how high you want to go. And they’re landlord-friendly. They won’t damage the paint, so you can peel them off when you’re ready to move out.

I got Lucy this basic set on Amazon, but they’re available all over the Internet, in every shape and color combination you can imagine. You could go for a more elevated version, like this, or this set.

Bon Bon Bons Chocolates: My BFF Susan turned me on to these delicious chocolate truffles made in Detroit, packaged in tiny little individual cardboard boxes, in flavors like High Tea (Earl Grey tea, Devonshire cream dark chocolate ganache, hemp seed gianduja, smoked sugar and cornflower petals) and Bumpy (fudgy chocolate cake cream, buttercream frosting, looks exactly like a bite of a Saunders Bumpy Cake). They’re meant to be eaten “in two polite bites or one less-polite bite,” per the website, and they are unbelievably good.

Terry Cycling Tank Top: If there’s a lady cyclist in your life, you can’t go wrong with a gift from Terry. The shorts, bibs and jerseys are not cheap, but they’re well-made, the company is woman-owned, and the kit will last forever, if you take good care of it. My personal favorites for hot summer days are the Cyclotank tops. The racerback cut keeps your shoulders and back cool, while the longer length and handy pockets makes stashing your stuff a breeze.

Helmet hair and all.

(Related: if you’re looking for a splurge for the bike rider in your life, ask around, then book them for a good bike fitting. It won’t be cheap – my fitting cost in the neighborhood of $500, and that was before the new stem and saddle I ended up buying – but being more comfortable on my longest rides? Priceless).

Coach suede tote: Once upon a time, I was a fancy bag lady. I never really figured out clothes. High heels always hurt. But a fancy purse? That I could handle.

Then a few things happened: designer bags got exponentially more expensive, and I got older, and significantly less interested in impressing other people.

This Coach bag is very handsome. The rich chocolate-brown suede is perfect for fall. It’s capacious without being, you know, ludicrously capacious, and best of all it is on clearance, marked down from its original $478 to a mere $210. Take good care of it and you’ll have it forever.

Erewhon candles: Last summer, my younger daughter Phoebe and I went to Los Angeles so that I could drop her off at film camp at UCLA and, covertly, launch my secret program of convincing her – or, really, letting her convince herself – not to go to college on the west coast. Hourlong traffic jam? Check! Scorching heatwave? Check! Thirty dollar Hailey Bieber viral smoothies at Erewhon (“You’d have to babysit for two hours to get one of these!”) Check.

Here is Phoebe, enjoying her viral smoothie (Not pictured: me, asking, “Do you think MY MOM would have bought me a thirty-dollar milkshake when I was your age?”)

The smoothie was delicious…but not, in my opinion, as delicious as the grocerer’s Yuzu/hinoki and basil/green leaves candles. They are made from eco-friendly soy wax, and their fragrance is complex, enticing, and extremely long-lasting, which makes the $70 price tag feel like less of a splurge. I bought a pair of these last summer and I use them with my Amazon candle warmer and they are still going strong.

If you’re looking for something pretty at a different price point, Anthropologie has these adorable Lou Benesch x Anthropologie Stargazer Zodiac candles. Each star sign has its own bespoke scent, comes in a beautifully decorated ceramic holder and burns for thirty-five hours.

Wooden Spoons: By now, we’ve all gotten the memo that the black plastic spoons, ladles and spatulas we’ve been using to dish out breakfasts and dinners are full of icky recycled plastics that are bad for our health. I happily upgraded to this beautiful seven-piece set: a perforated spoon, a pair of ladles, two spatulas and two spoons from Etsy.

Amaryllis Bulbs: Hope is a thing with feathers. It’s also a thing that blooms. Take this homely bulb. Plop it in a pot, roots down, in moist, well-drained soil in indirect sunshine. Wait. And, even in the cold and dark of winter, if you are patient and lucky, in seven to ten weeks you will be rewarded with gorgeous blossoms.

I grew this myself!

Pet Puffer Coat: If your pooch does not have a down-filled chevron puffer coat to wear on cold days, can he even show his face at the dog park? Don’t find out the hard way! This guy comes in five sizes and three colorways, all of which will remind you piercingly of the ski jacket you had in the 1980s, if you’re my age. SO CUTE.

Happy shopping! And happy Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/whatever you celebrate!

AM WATCHING: We finished up the last season of “Somebody Somewhere,” which is the closest thing to perfect I’ve seen lately, and have moved onto “The Sticky,” with Margo Martindale, which is hilarious.

AM READING: COLORED TV by Danzy Senna, . It’s the story of a novelist who, in the midst of a sophomore slump, decides to sell out and write for TV. It Doesn’t Go Well. It’s about art and commerce, about race and representation, and it had plot for days, which isn’t something I typically associate with literary fiction.

AM NOT GOING TO FORGET: My sports bra, when I run a 5K tomorrow, which I accidentally did at last week’s race! My weather app says it’s going to be scheduled all of 21 degrees when we start. Send cozy thoughts!

And stay tuned for the next installment, when we’ll revisit my friend Elizabeth’s work in progress!